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Padre Pienbique |
Confessions with Padre Pienbique guarantees top-shelf advice on any subject. From Guinness Beer to geopolitical strategy, I will respond to all of your pressing questions- giving you the answers you need!
I will try to respond to all of your questions in a timely manner, but I just might be on tour, so please be patient!
Padre Pienbique
(Andy Miller)
Q:
Oh kindest padre:
I've been shaken from the righteous path of those fully krausened in God's country. The lure and veils of HammÕs (from the land of sky blue waters) has me up late at night dancing to Lula and Chaka Kahn (Lula first) and devising ingenious plans to immortalize myself and my neighbor Kimmy by revitalizing the walls of the downtrodden in real time on community access cable. Do you think we are on the right path ... do you know anything about film editing? What do you think about remote control vibrating panties? Do you think Kim's husband Bill would call me a hero for buying her a pair of zebra cotton lycra panties for her upcoming birthday? Wouldn't it be funny if they were trying out the birthday pair of panties and someone inadvertently interrupted their play whenever they opened or closed their garage door? Padre... I'm thinking that would be an excellent moment on community access television.
Do you know anything about film editing?????, Let me know, Dangerbra
A:
Troubled Son (Okay, DaughterÉ)-
IÕm pressed to feel confident in knowing where to start. I clicked the link you attached at the bottom of your message (www.dangerbra.com) in good faith that I may glean some kind of insight as to what the hell youÕre talking about. To my chagrin, I found myself stepping deeper into your fascinating, but confusing headspace as I browsed your observations. Right or wrong, IÕm going to proceed with my answer in assuming that youÕre more creative than crazy. That being said, IÕll address your concerns in the chronological order you proposed to me. Be it HammÕs or Old Style that inspires you, I would undermine your beer-fueled fantasies and directly ask your friends Bill and Kimmy what they think about remote control vibrating panties. After you three clear the air on that particular topic, you better think carefully about catching them in the act while armed with a vibrating panty remote and a video camera. Although I acknowledge that this may be a great joke between pals, you seem bent on getting this act on film for public consumption. As for public access cable, the answer is NO. At best, this kind of material is best suited for the World Wide Web. Either way, I would be remiss in my duties if I didnÕt firmly warn you that youÕre asking for a fat lip and/or a court appearance if you distribute said material ANYWHERE without their consent. As for the garage door jest itself, I applaud your ingenuity. How do you plan to get them exactly where you want them while in possession of a video camera and their garage door opener? After reading bits of your website, I donÕt doubt your resourcefulness, but I might question your intentionsÉ As for film editing, IÕm sorry to report that I donÕt know shit. Which is too bad: The joker in me doesnÕt really care whether your aspirations are right or wrong as much as it wants to see you pull off such an elaborate caper. Drive safe, drink your milk, and be nice to your Mother-
Andy Miller/Padre Pienbique
Q:
Dear Padre-
My friend and I are experiencing a strange
problem. Night after night we are blacking
out. These blackouts have been increasing
over the last six months, and we are
becoming slightly concerned. In fact, just
the other night at a Big Wu show at the
Cains, this phenomena occured again. We
woke the next day missing large parts of the
evening with nothing but a large bill that
looked as if we had bought shots for the
entire bar (we obviously couldn't drink that
many). What can we do to stop these
strange blackouts?
A:
(Troubled Son-
I think itÕs obvious to the both of us that I am fully qualified to answer your question. But IÕve been compelled to enlist my best friend and older brother Van Miller to answer your for me. IÕve trusted him for years, and you should too.
If I did chime in, it would be this: Blacking out is the result of turning ŅHappy HourÓ into ŅAmateur NightÓ with a bar tab. While I harbor enough contempt for adults to tell you to Ņgrow upÓ, IÕll lobby on behalf of everybody around you while youÕre drinking to not be a Ņfuck upÓ.
Drive safe, drink your milk, and be nice to your Mother- Padre Pienbique)
Dear Child,
Oh to be young and clueless. The evenings spent with no memory of themselves, their compensation was only the dim mercy of its lacking. There is little time left for this type of behavior. You will now listen to me and listen well. There is a concept creeping into your brain as you read these words. An ancient art is currently unlocking something in side of you and thus wilt thou now learnÉ ŅBuzzcraftingÓ.
Do you feel it? Yes you do. Mere knowledge of the word gives you the instant satisfaction of spiritual advancement. It is always darkest before the dawn . You will forever now walk in the light.
To learn the proper use of the crafting tools given you is now your sole ambition.
As guidance I give you these simple clues:
1. The Basis
Any effort given to buzzcrafting must begin with a reliable, subtle yet thorough krausening. This basic process may be vigorous at first but must be brought under reins. Any clutter on your slate will hereby be wiped away thus giving you a sound foundation and focus for the trying steps yet to come.
2. The Quickening
Buzzcrafting is then carried forward with any selection of chemistry designed to create an inner need or urgency towards some goal not yet clear to you.
3. The Edge of Weirdness
Now, just before departing in order to accomplish this goal, you must get just weird enough so that you become of two minds, moving in separate directions. This will force you to choose early and if you choose to continue, you will pursue the axiom of a great Dago philosopher known to me, a man from whom I seek advice on occasion. When asked if the questioner should just take half of what was given him, the philosopher retorted with the following; ŅDo you wish to simply scratch on the door or do you want to kick the motherfucker in?Ó
4. The awakening
After this practice being followed and repeated with a fluxing requirement for variation, and this may occur days hence and with no loss of memory, there will come a time when you realize at your very core you are:
Born of the earth
Made of water
Breathing the air
And seeking the fire
You will know that the true song is in the water and thus driven you will continue to seek the fire with the time given you. You will no longer attempt to block it from you sight.
Hell, who knowsÉyou might even get laid along the way.
5. Sustenance
At some point you will need food. The following recipe should do the trick.
Eggs As They Should Be
Break two eggs in a small bowl
Add salt and rough ground pepper
With a fork, beat the eggs slowly with no more than 12 even strokes
Set eggs aside
Bring a pad of butter brought slowly to a virgin froth in a skillet
Pour eggs in and allow to form a white skin on the surface
Pull eggs to one side and tip the pan to cover bottom again
Repeat until gelatinous and slightly runny
Serve with toast (well buttered)
Be good,
Van Miller, Jr
Andy Miller/Padre Pienbique
Q:
How do I get my girlfriend to let her roommate in
on the action?
A:
(Troubled Son- Believe it or not, IÕve never thought of threesomes as Ņsomething I must do before I dieÓ. That being said, I asked a good friend who sympathizes in your plight to answer this question for me. Even if I trusted him, (and I do, sometimes, but not always), I know him well enough to believe that he knows what heÕs talking about. Whether you take his advice or not is up to you. Thus, whatever happens is your responsibility, so own up to it and donÕt cry to me if your threesome house of cards falls down on you. On the other hand, let us know if you find success. We always love cheap thrills.
That aside, if you do find yourself getting it on with the two of them, wear a rubber. I donÕt care if theyÕre both on the pill. Do everybody the common courtesy and use protection. For you will find yourself in a whole pool of shit if someone contracts genital warts or your girlfriendÕs roommate gets pregnant. And donÕt even think that youÕre absolved from jimmy hat duty if Ņthings just happenÓ. You would be convicted guilty of negligent first-degree seduction if you planned this moment and didnÕt spend five dollars at 7-11 for condoms.
Drive safe, drink your milk, and be nice to your Mother- Padre Pienbique)
Dear Fearless Threesome Thrill Seeker:
Oh, the immemorial problem: how get a threesome going with your significant other? First I think you have to confront what may be a rather disturbing idea É you see, IÕve got this bent idea that girls arenÕt really all that different from guys. You may, fuck IÕm sure you do, have a friend that your girlfriend thinks is cute as hell. If you masturbate to the idea of getting it going with her and her roommate, what do you think she imagines when sheÕs got her sex toys out on that boring and rainy afternoon alone?
So the question really becomes, hey: How far are you prepared to go, my man? I laud your intentions, but whatÕs good for the goose is ultimately good for the gander. And she may very well claim a fuck fest of her own, the slutty whore, as the price of letting you get your pornoistic threesome jollies off.
So, okay, she may be up for it without any of that. And lucky you if she is. She may have a thing of her own for her Ōmate, that sheÕs not telling you about. An unlikely possibility itÕs true, but worth exploring initially I guess. You might get away with it. You might also get a shoe across the nose at high velocity. Good luck.
A third option is approaching the roommate. While this has been reputed to work, especially if the roommate is single and pathetically horny, I personally consider this path fraught with danger. You could, for instance, end up losing your girlfriend; you could, and this is worse, end up dating the roommate Š imagine that if you dare. Horrors.
But still I say go for it. - Even if you have to tag-team your girlfriend to get it on. Sex is fun, and liberating, and filled with many more possibilities than are commonly realized. Threesomes are healthy when they release energies, and become warped and destructive when they donÕt. The real key is to ensure an even balance between the attentions paid to each person. No one participating in a threesome should be made to feel as if they are being used or left out (unless itÕs agreed upon before hand, you sick and kinky freaks).
And itÕs this that is the real ball-breaker in your plan: even if you can get these two chicks in the sack and havingÕ multiple shuddering orgasms, you have to prepare for the possible aftermath. Can the roommate then be safely ignored when youÕre grumpy? Can you ever risk being alone with her again?
What if you end up with TWO girlfriends? Are you ready for that? I donÕt have that much free time É
There you have it. I wish you well, because thereÕs almost nothing as good as a good threesome. Unless itÕs a five some É
Happy hunting, PadreÕs friend Erick S.
Andy Miller/Padre Pienbique
Q:
I was watching the Super Bowl, and
thankfully decided not to skip the halftime
show as I usually do. All of a sudden Janet
Jackson's boob exposed itself, which at first
I thought was extremely great. Then I got
to thinking: is it unnatural for one like myself
to be attracted to one nearly twice my age?
Is there some sort of Freudian malfunction in
the sexual part of my brain? Am I "different"
from my peers? Also, the stunt gave me a
reason to almost "like" a douche-bag that
passes for a musical artist today, and that
being Justin Timberlake. Yes, the repulsive
music he has his honchos make for him is still
obviously terrible, but the man showed the
whole nation, and others, Janet Jackson's
boob. Again, is it unnatural for me to think
he may be only half a douche-bag now?
Surely his pathetic music will never reach
quality, but does he now have guts? I need
your guidance, O All-Knowing Padre!
A:
Troubled Son-
First off, there is nothing ŅwrongÓ with wanting an older woman. Especially when that older woman is Janet Jackson. For the record, the desire, however fleeting, to be with an older woman only qualifies as ŌFreudianÓ if itÕs your Mom. Since you didnÕt sign your email as the ŅPerverted Son of Janet JacksonÓ, I think youÕre in the clear.
As for whether youÕre different than your peers, itÕs only a matter of how hot your friendÕs moms are vs. how hot you think your own mother isÉ
Okay, IÕm fucking with you- as long as youÕre not hot after your own ma. You donÕt, right? I mean really, you wouldnÕt- would you? Silly for me asking, I mean how could I come to the conclusion that you want to murder your father and copulate with you own mother by reading in between the lines of your email? ThereÕs nothing in there to suggest that you could carry out such a sick schemeÉ except you brought it upÉ but thatÕs what you meant, wasn't it? Yuck! Christ get some help!
As for the Justin Timberlake issue, you can like whoever you want, but please, for the love of god, keep your mother out of this!
Drive safe, drink your milk, and donÕt fantasize about your mother-
Andy Miller/Padre Pienbique
Q:
Dear Padre, I must confess that I believe my friend may have an alcohol problem. But rather than help by confronting him, I help by drinking with him. Being poor, we drink shitty beer, which leads
me to believe itÕs a problem in itself. If we were drinking good beer at least we could say it tastes good, but Busch Lite tastes like shit. What should I do?
A:
Troubled Son-
First off, thereÕs a name for people in your position, theyÕre called ŅenablersÓ. Folks caught in this role only do what they can- watch out for those they love while rationalizing their friendÕs actions by getting loaded with them. If you must know, IÕve been guilty of playing enabler and bartender more times than I care to acknowledge. Shit bro- this is a pickle because no one around wants to invest the time to help your friend get help, yet everyone feels compelled to privately offer the obvious advice: Tell your pal the truth.
So the question really is: Do you have the balls to confront your friend? Or are you going to let sleeping dogs lie?
Since your asking me what the best course action is, IÕll tell you this much:
The next time youÕre enabling your buddy by getting crocked with him, tell him how you feel while youÕre both still sober. Ask him how he feels about your speculation before the beer takes hold. DonÕt tell him what to do or how to act, just get a feeling for what heÕll admit to. I think that youÕll be surprised. People like to talk about themselves, and your buddy is no different; he may feel relieved to have someone to open up to, you know, share the burden with. The rest is up to how honest you and your friend are with each other.
Good luck.
Drive safe, drink your milk, and be nice to your mother-
Andy Miller/Padre Pienbique
Q:
Padre-
What would you recommend I do if my friendÕs parent took away my bong? I mean, if this were just some pipe IÕd let it go, but this was some nice glass. I need some major help on this one, IÕve thought of just asking for it, but then IÕd get screwed, and thereÕs no need for that cuz she doesn't know whose it is yet.
A:
Troubled Son-
The first thing I would do is use proper punctuation when asking someone for advice. Nothing says, ŅIÕm in deep shit and IÕm ready to take care of it, damn the consequences!Ó like actually using the ŅshiftÓ key to capitalize the beginning of the sentence and the apostrophe key to state possession and/or mark the difference between third person possessive case and plural forms.
Even though IÕm the last guy who should get on your case, I hate correcting someone elseÕs grammar. And furthermore, I took no pleasure in adjusting the incongruities contained within your prose. ItÕs just not my fort (no, not forte; that indicates female advantage) to act as your English teacher.
Why am I being such a picky bitch about your grammar that I had to correct before constructing a reply? Because you need to present yourself as a mature, grown person who didnÕt screw-up by leaving such a sensitive piece of equipment out for anyone to find. Oh no, this social faux pas was only committed when the general welfare of the party at hand became endangered because Ņ________Ó (fill in the blank, and make it good. DonÕt forget to smile when you say it.)
And trust me my son, nobody is going to give you any benefit of any doubt if wonÕt dot your "iÓs and cross your ŅtÓs.
Drive safe, drink your milk, and be nice to your mother-
Andy Miller/Padre Pienbique
Q:
Why does it hurt when I pee?
A:
Troubled Son-
I called a Doctor friend of mine who suggested that the source of your pain is most likely the introduction of internal and/or external foreign objects to your genital region.
Luckily for you, he recommended that you perform a self-examination in privacy of your own home to troubleshoot possible problems before spending all that hard earned beer money at the clinic.
For external causes:
Cause: Do you have any household objects (clothes pins, mouse traps, pliers) permanently or temporarily attached to your pecker?
Solution: If so, remove before urinating.
Cause: Do you regularly employ the use of household objects to hold your unit while going to the bathroom?
Solution: Put the B-B-Q tongs down and use plastic gloves.
For internal causes:
Cause: Have you introduced and household objects (splintery toothpicks, Chris Castino guitar picks, barbed wire) to your pee-hole?
Solution: Call a medical doctor for removal. Then call a psychiatrist and ask him or her to determine your motivation for such funny-business.
Cause: Have you had unprotected sex with members of either gender within the last year?
Solution: Contact a medical professional for examination. If the tests are positive for STDs, purchase a good thesaurus to help you put a good spin on the inevitable singles advertisement that youÕll be placing in the paper. Trust me, you wonÕt get anything with a headline that starts with: GENITAL WARTS AND LONG WALKSÉ
Cause: Have you had unprotected sex with members of either gender within the last year that your girlfriend/boyfriend doesnÕt know about?
Solution: Call doctor, get treated, then go to the nearest Mercedes-Benz dealer and buy them a kick-ass car. Maybe they wonÕt kick you in your disease-ridden pecker before they leave you to wallop in your own crapulence.
I hope this helps. Go in peace,
Andy Miller/Padre Pienbique
Q:
I was a fan, I bought some of your albums, saw you play a few times, until I came to your last concert in Mankato Minnesota and I asked if i could come on stage and play Two Person Chair with you and was denied although a girl that I go to school with who is very attractive standing next to me who had never even heard of the Wu and just went to the concert because sheÕs dumb like that, had absolutely no trouble what so ever successfully obtaining several requests from your band, IÕm sure glad grassroots bands are appreciative of their true fans.
Please donÕt throw this away cause itÕs negative, I understand the logical reason to satisfy would be the beautiful girl next to the dirty hippie.
A:
Troubled Son-
As a general principle, we donÕt let people we donÕt know sit in with the band while we perform. Aside from the obvious, I donÕt think it would bode well for the audience or the band to let everyone who asked to jump on the stage have their way. And if you were in my shoes, I think you would agree.
However, if you can recite the first sentence of your letter, word for word, in one breath with no pauses on stage, I would be thrilled to have you up. Shit, IÕll even buy you an Old Style. As for the charge of gender bias, I hope my girlfriend doesnÕt see your confession. Just kidding. But I will let you in on a secret. Just between you and me, I generally write the set list before I play, and I donÕt like to deviate too much. You see, I try to create a certain ebb-and-flow that alternates singers, fast tunes with more relaxed, key signatures, covers and originals, etc. Not that IÕm discouraging folks from shout-outs, but itÕs hard to disrupt the flow of the set list JUST because someone tells me to play ŅShakedown StreetÓ. Thus, in my defense, the apparent appeasement of this personÕs request was more likely born of coincidence, not beer goggles.
Lastly, a little soap can transform you from a ŅdirtyÓ hippie into a Ņpleasantly scentedÓ hippie.
Go in peace,
Andy Miller/Padre Pienbique
Q:
Dear Padre, Ever since I was a child, I have had this strange disorder: objects are compelled to fly onto or directly into my head. What used to be simple bad luck has turned into a curse. I suffer from gun shy jitters in that every time I see the shadow of a bird or plane, etc, I run for cover. How can I help this phenomenon before my brains turn to jelly?
A:
Troubled Son-
Depending on your perceptive disposition, one may see these collisions one of three ways: They are simply random events, Alternatively, your head is constantly intercepting the natural arch of several projectileÕs flights, Or the Creator of the Universe has seen fit to subject your cranium for target practice.
I can only assume from your inquiry that the frequency of these collisions has increased recently. At least enough negate the possibility that youÕve just been the hitting a bad streak in the cosmic coin flip that decides whether or not your noggin gets a flogginÕ by an errant Wham-O Frisbee on any given day.
By the way, did you know that you are seven times more likely to get hit in the head with a Frisbee on Sunday? ItÕs true. Ad you know Sunday is the LordÕs day. And on His time off, He likes to knock back a couple of cold ones and play Frisbee golf. The more He gets holy kreausened, the more His aim suffers. And when the Lord misses, everyone misses.
The second of our choices puts the blame squarely upon your shoulders, as thatÕs where your sore head sits. Unfortunately, you donÕt feel that this is the case. It is much easier to change oneself than it is to change the world. But IÕm here to help, so if it means changing the world to protect your head, then so be it.
This leads us to option three, the target practice theory. Since you felt that Ņobjects are compelled to fly at your headÓ and you feel as though some ŅcurseÓ has been placed upon you. To be frank, we donÕt need to place any validity on the presence of Object Chucking Pranksters from the heavens. Instead, weÕll dig into the playbook from the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn (an occult group) and take things into our own hands.
I know this sounds a little extreme, but if the treatment is sympathetic to the symptoms, whatÕs the harm? Besides, Aleister Crowley was a member, so you get secondhand cool points just for participating. If you want me to email you directions for this fool-proof exercise, drop me a line.
Go In Peace,
Andy Miller/Padre Pienbique
Q:
So I was hanging out with a friend and our pretty ladies one night when my
friend decided it would be fun to snap a photo of his groin area with a
digital camera. Although disgusted, I decided it would be fun to also take a
picture of my 'area' as well. So I placed the camera into my shorts and
snapped away! The result was a beautiful shot of my peter, up close and
personal. The four of us laughed hysterically. Am I troubled? Do YOU,
Padre, find this behavior disturbing?
Hmmm???
A:
Very Troubled Son-
I'm conflicted. By the crude tone and the scant use of the English vernacular that permeates your prose, I suspect that not only do I know your true identity, but possess knowledge of the horrific incident of which you speak. Since this is forum is a confessional, I'll abide by the code of anonymity that comes with my position. However, Mr. X (as I'll call you), don't imagine for a minute that GOD doesn't know what you're up to.
I can't decided what's more disturbing: The fact that you would freely spend your time associating with degenerate hoodlums who extract their jollies by
photographing their pathetic genitalia, or joining their ranks as a first-class pervert. I haven't even begun to sympathize which the innocent victims you exposed with your twisted baseness. You may callously address them as "pretty ladies", but I call them "spoiled flowers". Jesus wept! Although you claim they "laughed hysterically" at your heinous shenanigans, I can only share the shame of this social torture you inflicted upon them. In all my years as a moral compass, I've never felt such a need to scrub my eyes with soap as to rid myself of the filth your "confession" has wrought upon me. Shame on you!
That aside Mr. X, I'll forward your copies of the pictures from my camera to your email account. The photo of your gents we dubbed "The Gizzard" is still a winnerÉ
Go In Peace,
Padre Pienbique
Andy Miller/Padre Pienbique
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